It began to feel as if the positives from this medication were starting to creep through. I can’t say I was any more happy that I have been. I’m never really happy. However, I did feel a little less down, especially on days 18-21. It looks like the medication is starting to make an impact on my overall mood which is a good thing. Still, I am seeing side effects from it so I have to address those here.
Overall better mood. My mood is usually pretty low so while this is an improvement, I cannot say I am “all better.” After all, you’re never really “all better.” I find I am thinking less about suicide. It’s still a daily thing, but my mind wasn’t going nearly as far down that road as it sometimes does. I am finding it easier to laugh at things that should be funny. I guess you could say it has started working as far as mood. As far as other issues, well….
I am still not feeling hungry. I list this as a neutral because some people want this while others don’t. I don’t mind one way or the other. I was getting tired of always gaining weight with other medications. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you gain 30 pounds. In a way, some medications are self defeating in that way. Sure, it might trick your brain into thinking you are happy, but looking in the mirror brings it all down again. I’ve dropped about 8 pounds since starting the medication so my weight loss isn’t terribly dramatic. I had to stop my usual workouts because of an injury so who knows how much I might have lost if I’d been able to continue my exercise. I am looking to get back into my workouts next week so we’ll see if I drop anymore weight.
My sleep is still very erratic. I am having to depend on other medications to get at least some sleep. Even then, I am constantly waking up throughout the night; at least 15-25 times a night. I’m not exaggerating. My anxiety isn’t seeing much of a decline from the medication. Just yesterday (day 22) I had a meltdown and had to turn to Klonopin to knock me down. I could feel the anxiety attack coming on, but there was nothing I could do to stop it besides my benzo. After that, I lied down and tried to relax. My body was numb, but my mind was still racing. Still, I managed to fall asleep about 2 hours later, but as I mentioned, I kept waking up.
Overall, I think the medication has more positives than negatives. I know Prozac isn’t a catch all. I’ve been down this road before and I know I will probably always have to be on multiple meds to manage my illness. I am glad I stuck with the Prozac though as it is showing some positive results and few negatives. I still find myself creating my own worlds when I leave the house so I can manage to do normal things like visit the grocery store. I still don’t talk to people and I still don’t make eye contact unless she does it for me. I go in, get what I need, and leave. The only place I let go a little is the book store. It’s always so quiet in there and the smell of fresh paper is soothing. I will probably end up going there again very soon.
Sometimes we are abruptly reminded that when a person suffers from a mental illness, at any given moment, that illness can rear it’s ugly head and take over better judgment. I am glad that a certain someone was able to pull back from the edge recently and is still with us now. People will never seem to fully grasp how their harsh words can affect people, especially those who can tumble down that long, dark hole in the blink of an eye. I don’t know who this person was that came after my friend and attacked her, calling her an outcast and making her feel like she should crawl back under a rock and stay there forever, but I do hope they think twice about the way the speak to people.
My friend was so distraught that they just started taking various medications without even thinking. All they knew was they didn’t want to be awake. This wasn’t something she planned. It just sort of happened. This is how quickly a monstrous depression can eat you.
I find it disheartening that people still treat us as outcasts from society. All my friend was doing was trying to be social when she was told these harsh things. Anyone that has ever sought treatment for depression, anxiety, or even something more severe like schizophrenia when paired with the other two, knows that one of the biggest things your therapists wants you to do it NOT lock yourself inside your home. They encourage us to go out and be among other people. Even if you don’t speak to anyone, they just want you to try and live. We are given a light push back out our front doors. Sadly, this evil person sees us as tainted, inferior, mentally retarded.
We do not ask to be treated any differently. We really don’t. Yes, I know some of us are quite fragile, but we have been taught methods of coping with everyday situations and given medication to help calm our nerves. However, when confronted with major confrontation, as any other person might, we sometimes panic.
I am glad my friend is still with me today. She is one of the very few people in this world that truly understands me. I know I understand her. I wish I could say it was me that stopped her from going to far, but it wasn’t. I am just glad when she was somewhat cognizant, she was able to reach out to me.
I just hope others who share the view of us as a bane of society seriously consider their actions. Imagine if it were your mother or brother, your wife or your best friend dealing with this. I doubt you’d take lightly to someone pushing them to the edge of death.