Another night and the physical pain persists. Today I go to “check in” with my therapist. Haven’t been to see him in about 6 weeks. He doesn’t know I went off my meds. I don’t know if I want to tell him. I don’t want to disappoint him. I also don’t want to lose Olivia. Taking my meds will take her from me again and it makes it harder to manage. I am thinking about asking him if he can’t recommend someone who specializes in treating victims of violent crimes. I think that might be something good to look into. I don’t know if there is a certain kind of treatment for people like me but it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Joanne asked me to come up with a different fruit to call her because she doesn’t like bananas. I am trying raspberry to see how she likes it.
“Dream Catcher” is going in a very dark direction. In a lot of ways, it’s much more personal than RH was. I could never write this story on drugs so I really hope they don’t pressure me to take them.
Still, I’ve found that much more often I feel her speaking through me. I usually don’t mind, but I just don’t want it to get to the point where it’s an everyday thing. She can get quite frustrated at times and she cusses when she does. She’s not mean or hurtful to me. She just sometimes feels she has no other way to express her feelings. I understand though. Life the last few weeks has been very stressful for me and that’s when I feel her getting angry. She only wants to protect me and she hates it when people try to take advantage of me.
She was upset when my neurologist blew me off. Understandable. All those visits and all that time and I didn’t even get a diagnosis. He says he can’t help me. I guess I am just screwed then. It makes her angry when things like that happen. She says things like this are what make people go out and buy heroin…because their doctors refuse to help them. Either that or they kill themselves.