I was in terrible pain all last night and into this morning. So much so that I ended up in the ER at Memorial Hospital. I thought I’d hurt myself a couple of weeks ago which caused me far more pain than normal. I figured I would get over it, but never did so off to the ER I went.
I’m in massive pain as I wait through the examination. I sit for hours, waiting for my meds to be ready. I got lucky and the ER doc took mercy on me and gave me Hydrocodone 7.5’s (they usually give 5’s, 7.5’s are reserved for major pain). I’m so thankful that I can finally get some sleep and get close to pain free, a phrase I’ve long since forgotten. I come home, I do some work that needs to be done, hurting the entire time. I don’t take the hydro because I know it will put me on my butt. I tell myself to wait till I am done with all my work so it gets done. I finish things up, I hit the shower, I dry off, I lie down…and then suddenly the pain lets up and I am able to move around with far less pain.
I never took the hydrocodone. As I sit here now writing this, the pain is still there, but manageable. It’s sort of funny. I spend almost two weeks in great pain and when I finally break down and go to the ER, the day I come back with meds that will help me I am suddenly feeling better. I guess I can only attribute this to the power of the mind to heal. I’m not taking it too far though. I’m still going to see my general practitioner when my appointment day comes. I know my body and I have a feeling I may need the hydro in the next 24 hours.
When someone comes out and tells you they are dying and they don’t give a damn about life anymore, it makes you wonder: why the hell are you even telling me then if you truly don’t care anymore? How can you say something like that to someone and then give no other details? I am obviously not the most stable person on earth, but at least I don’t screw around with people like that. That is the worse thing you can possibly do to someone who gives a damn about you. Why even tell me then? Why not just go off and die then and not ever tell anyone why? It seems to me you DO still care and you are just looking to make everyone else feel as miserable as you do because of your cancer diagnosis. Well you know what, that’s very fucked up.
We’ve all been sick, some of us more severely than others, but in the times when I was ill at least I had the decency to tell my friends what i was sick from. At least then they were in the loop as far as what was going on. I never screamed fire in a theater, then didn’t stick around to show them where the smoke was coming from. That’s the most screwed up thing you can do. How dare you pull a guilt trip like that on me, then expect for me NOT to ask about what’s going on.
If you want to run off somewhere and die alone, there is nothing I can do to stop that. Luckily some of us have a choice on how we want to die. Others do not. I suppose those of us who can choose our demise should die the way we want to. If you want to die alone and bitter at life just because you got cancer, then go ahead. If you want to hide it all from us, then fine. If you want to be forgotten and not leave some sort of legacy, it’s your choice.
You want all that? Fine. Then go die. You want to push everyone away? Fine, go die. At least when i go I can say that I tried until I couldn’t try anymore. I can look at my life and say that I left my mark. Whether people appreciate it or not, only time will tell. You on the other hand, if you think this is the way to go, obviously nothing I say will change your mind so go on and do it.