If there is anything that i have learned in the last ten years its this: It’s possible to love some one, yet at the same time know they are completely wrong for you. That can be said for my ex wife and I both. Many things happened over this last 10 years, most of which I will not go over simply because I believe that whatever happened between my wife and I should stay that way. As with most marriages, we fought…sadly in our case it was constantly. Some would ask me why I stayed so long. While I cannot answer that in the typical fashion, I will say that when you are sick you sometimes do not view the world quite the same. Sometimes certain events in your life take you down a road that you could not have imagined going down years earlier. I think we both did that. We both made mistakes which eventually drove us to divorce.
Looking back, I know it was the right thing to do. If we would have stayed together we only would have driven each other insane both figuratively and literally. I am not blaming her for things that happened to me. I am beyond blame and I do not have any intention of holding a grudge and I doubt she wants to either. We both just want to move onto the next chapter in our lives. We do still talk, although not nearly as often as we did. We trade texts and speak from time to time, still on occasion getting on each others nerves. Being apart actually helps in this sense as we do not stand there and argue with each other endlessly as we used to. Now, we can just stop responding to texts or hangup.
Being away from her has been very beneficial to me and she knows it. She is aware that I am in college, getting my education paid for via scholarships and grants. Although I know she may feel a bit slighted for my smalltime success, I think deep down she is happy for me. I am doing things I would have never been able to do while we were together and I think she feels the same. I mean in less than a year I went from a lump on the living room floor to a college student with a double major, getting a 4.0 gpa, reading sometimes a book a day and learning Japanese and Korean simply because I want to.
Bottom line, I don’t hate her. We were both pretty awful to each other. For whatever she did to me, I forgive her and I hope she can forgive me and understand why I left.
A few weeks ago she asked me if I missed her and I said sometimes I do. Honestly, I don’t. It’s not because I am heartless. I think the reason I don’t is because to me our marriage didn’t end when I left her in December of 2009, it ended many years before that. I was very sick for a very long time and I think as a self defense mechanism I detached myself from a lot of people. She was one of them.
Regardless, it’s over now and I am moving on. She has asked me if I am seeing anyone and I have told her that yes I do have a girlfriend…and her name is College. A year has passed and I have healed considerably well. While I am not looking for a relationship at this moment, I suppose if the absolute perfect person came along…and I am not kidding when I say perfect as I have become ridiculously selective…I may decide to get back into the relationship scene if she can take being in the backseat while my schoolbooks and emotional stability ride in the front with me. I truly hope she is able to move on as well and find herself a good, decent guy. I must admit when she finally tells me she is seeing a new man, I may be a bit jealous at first, but I think that will quickly give way to contentment.